NEW JERSEY - They say there is someone out there for everyone -- and we have to believe that includes little Prancer.
An adoption ad for the 2-year-old Chihuahua has gone viral thanks to the brutally honest way his foster mom described him in a hilarious post on Facebook.
"I’ve tried. I’ve tried for the last several months to post this dog for adoption and make him sound...palatable. The problem is, he’s just not," Tyfanee Fortuna wrote. "There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins."
Fortuna says "every day we live in the grips of the demonic Chihuahua hellscape he has created in our home."
His foster mom says Prancer was previously owned by an elderly woman who never socialized him. He was also obese, wearing a cashmere sweater and had a bacon, egg and cheese stuffed in his crate with him.
If you look at his photos, he's quite cute, so he can't be THAT bad, right? Well, keep reading.
"I am convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.
"Prancer only likes women. Nothing else. He hates men more than women do, which says a lot. If you have a husband don’t bother applying, unless you hate him. Prancer has lived with a man for 6 months and still has not accepted him. He bonds to a woman/women, and takes his job of protection seriously. He offers better protection than Capitol security."
Fortuna says any potential adopters should also not have any other pets or kids. Ever.
"Have other dogs? Cats? Don’t apply unless they like being shaken up like a ragdoll by a 13lb rage machine. This may be confusing to people, as he currently lives with my other 7 dogs and 12 cats. That’s because we have somewhat come to an agreement that it’s wrong to attack the other animals. But you know that episode of The Office where Michael Scott silently whispers 'I’ll kill you' to Toby? That’s Prancer having to begrudgingly coexist with everyone when I’m around."
Despite his shortcomings, Fortuna says that Prancer does have some redeeming qualities. Prancer is "loyal beyond belief."
"Although to tell you a secret his complex is really just a facade for his fear. If someone tried to kill you I can guarantee he would run away screeching."
Prancer enjoys car rides, he's housebroken and knows a few basic commands. He's also non-destructive when left alone.
"His ideal home would be with a single woman, a mother and daughter, or a lesbian couple. You can’t live in an apartment or a condo unless you want him to ankle bite your neighbors."
Although Fortuna says finding someone who "wants a Chucky doll in a dog's body is hard," she's still going to try to find Prancer the perfect home.
The post won over animal lovers everywhere, racking up over 40,000 likes and more and 65,000 shares on Facebook. Fortuna says she's blown away by the response and she even had a writer from Saturday Night Live reach out to her to compliment her on her writing!
So, if you’ve always wanted "your own haunted Victorian child in the body of a small dog that hates men and children," you can email firstname.lastname@example.org.
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